Step backwards, step forwards

When I was looking for a photo for this post, I found myself caught in a weird trap. I even questioned drawing attention to it now.

I was at 6:30am CrossFit (don't believe me - there's a clock in the photo!) I'm staring intently at the coach to understand what the work-out will entail. In case you were wondering, it was rotating rowing and front squats for time. Then my attention shifted to my body in the photo....and how my back thighs (gluts?) are like bulging out of my shorts. Thoughts began racing through my mind:  "OMG - do I always look like that? Is it just a bad moment? Are other people wondering what business I have wearing shorts at all?"

My first reaction was to use Photoshop to blur/blend so the skin looked more even. Then I stopped myself. That seemed backwards to everything I've been writing. 

It's incredible how much power our mental health can have over our physical bodies. Recently, I had a BAD day - stressed both at work and at home. It was one small thing after another that snowballed into a hot mess version of myself. We were doing some bio-metric screening at work for employees - and I learned that I had gained 10 pounds. After 9 months of hard work...surely being rewarded with an increase in weight makes perfect sense (said no one ever). I got the old "well muscle is heavier than fat" speech, but I didn't want to hear it.

Strike two followed with the fitness test that followed. It was all like junior high gym class all over again. It was a particularly cold and windy day. The test involved running outside which triggered an asthma attack. I tried to stifle it as to not draw attention to myself, which probably just made my breathing worse.

Lastly strike three- Crossfit that particular afternoon was very crowded. You needed a partner and I got lost in the crowd (seriously....junior high again). With no luck, I desperately tried to find a partner or at least bring it to someone's attention. Fine, I'll do this alone. In my effort to find a partner, I missed part of the directions and was very confused on the movement I was supposed to be doing. I looked around and what everyone else was doing. "Hmmm ok they're moving the bar like that and then like this....ok seems easy enough."  Famous last words. 

It was the Bear Complex. Totally simple....

I tried several times and it felt so unnatural. I definitely wasn't doing this right. A few attempts in and I swung the bar up so fast towards my face that I hit my nose really hard. Ok let me just put the bar down for a second before I pass out in pain.

A coach comes along to ask why I stopped moving. I kind of stare at her blankly (perhaps even blinking). She asks if I was ok....boom, tears rushing down my face. Oh everything is just jolly! Next thoughts are quick, escape before anyone sees me cry.

And that my friends is someone having a meltdown. 

I knew this was a step backwards: more significant than missing a day of exercise, or not being able to meet a minute, a mile, or a weight. This was some serious damage to my morale. 

After a weekend of recovery - I went back to the CF box on Monday. The work-out involved double unders (the jump rope goes under you twice in one jump). I'm not exactly coordinated so the idea of moving that quickly just made me roll my eyes. Please - I'll stick to traditional single jump roping. Low and behold, after some pushing from a coach, I did my first double under successfully! And continued to do so for the entire work-out. My grin was ear to ear. 

A step forward.

It's not the destination, but the journey

There are different ways to measure accomplishments. Some are tangible and quantifiable, and some are more like a feeling.

I recently completed my first 5k race in 31 minutes and 47 seconds, averaging a 10 minute mile pace. Although small to those who run many miles each day, this was no easy feat for someone who could not run a single mile unbroken just a few months ago. This surely wasn't a safe task for someone who uses an inhaler multiple times a day just to breathe. And it's surely not what most doctors would have recommended or how I was raised to handle adversity.

But this accomplishment was a calculated plan. A measurable task with distance, time, and a clear end goal. There was a clear distinction between success and failure (e.g. running vs. walking, not crossing the finish line).

I'd like to highlight another accomplishment, though more subtle, has greater meaning along the journey. I was fortunate enough to spend some one-on-one time with my oldest niece and nephew up in Massachusetts this weekend.  In an effort to expose them to something different and to promote healthy living, we took them hiking in a state park. It was about a 2 mile trek to reach the Concord river and back to our starting location. Sharing this moment with them instead of divulging in sweets, fast food, video games, and other sedentary activities was worth more than running a full marathon! 

My niece Julia was getting tired and asked me to carry her some of the way. Unexpectedly, I was able to lift and carry her 50 lb. body (with altitude and uneven terrain). 

I might not have not lost any weight, I might be the same clothing size, I might not appear "fit" to spectators....

But the feeling this experience gave me represents how far I've come. This leads me to believe that it's not the destination, but the journey.

Mix It Up

I'm happy to report that I've reached all my goals. I am the fittest woman on earth. My health is perfect. And I'm done with all this exercise nonsense. 

Just kidding.

This journey has proven to actually be a journey. Not a straight line with a beginning and end, but an upward trending slope (with valleys and peaks). One week I'll make great strides, and the next week I'm barely doing the minimum amount of work. I was very congested the past few days and missed many days of exercise. I simply couldn't breathe well enough where exercise was safe. Last night was my first run after 4 sedentary days. And it was a good run - 1.6 miles (with only one nostril open for air!). 

Last week I learned a valuable lesson in "mixing it up" with varying my activities. My mix for the last few months has included CrossFit, Dance, and Running. Considering that CrossFit is different every time......and I have three activities overall. My mix is pretty varied! But given where I work,  I have a million more opportunities available to me that I do not take advantage of. I decided to take a boxing class as part of a special event. 

1. I don't like being violent (not that boxing makes you a violent person, but I just don't enjoy hitting things)
2. Ow my hands hurt
3. Much more of a work-out than I expected.  My arms were sore the next day.

It was cool to challenge myself to try a new skill and move my body in a new way. I'm going to make it a goal to insert a new activity into the mix every two weeks. I think the next one will be my first spin class!

This coming Sunday is my 5k road race. That means this week is my last chance to get to 3.1 miles BEFORE the actual race. Game face on, focused, and feeling better with my breathing. 

Run like Hell

September always feels like the start of a new year to me. Perhaps years of school conditioning has ingrained that into my mind. With a new year comes new challenges and goals. Now that the Tough Mudder is behind me, and I most likely won't be doing another one in the short-term because of my busy schedule and location limitations, I've set my sights on a new hurdle. 

I remind myself of the specific goals I outlined in June:

• Participating in the Tough Mudder on August 15th - CHECK
• Being able to run a mile unbroken  CHECK
• CrossFit: 
• being able to deadlift 150 lbs
• being able to successfully pull myself up on gymnast rings 
• Breaking a gender stereotype / shocking someone 

And I have decided to further develop my running abilities. I HATE running. It hurts my knees, it aggravates my asthma, and I look stupid doing it (sort of like a penguin or new born fawn). However, there is no denying that it is the foundation of fitness. Nearly all sports and fitness activities involve running, or at least as part of training. Running builds stamina, endurance, and discipline. The more I run, the more I work through my asthma.

I've signed up to participate in a 5k run on October 4th. I have exactly one month to prepare for it (5 km = 3.1 miles). My husband plans to join me, and possibly a friend or two.

I still haven't addressed my chronic pain and soreness issues. I'm pretty sure they are not injuries, but this seems like an intolerable way to live for months on end. What's the point of all this if I'm constantly in pain? 


(Photo credit: Reebok CrossFit One - August 21, 2015)
Check out the intense look of distress on my face!

I got a little muddy

Bruised, beaten, tired and sore....I am most excited to write this entry. On August 15th, the day before my 26th birthday, I participated in a Tough Mudder on Long Island. I've mentioned before that this was something I had planned to use as a benchmark, a goal to work towards. It was an emotional and physical roller coaster of an event. Luckily, I had a great teammate by my side (my friend Ali) and a wonderful cheerleader (my husband) snapping pictures along the way (although sometimes I wanted to throw mud at him during my low points).

As we waited for our wave to be released at the starting line, we heard a motivating pep talk from one of the event organizers. I'm a sucker for pep talks, and I honestly think it's what got me through the first few miles so well. He spoke about the reason we were there that day. Not to compete, not for the best time, not to succeed at every obstacle, but to do something difficult that scares us. He spoke of another mudder who recently passed away from battling cancer. He said don't feel bad for him, he accomplished more in his last years than most of us will in a lifetime. That mudder found strength in events like these, despite his diagnosis. The organizer also spoke of the fear and pain you might feel when facing an obstacle. He said to put in the context of a soldier who defends our country, a police officer, a fire fighter, and EMS who don't even hesitate a second before running into a dangerous situation to save a life. 

At that point, you could have put anything in front of me and I would beast-ed it! 

We ran the first 3 miles pretty consistently, but then my asthma started to affect my breathing and I needed to slow down. For miles 4 through 10, I ran sprints when I could and walked when I couldn't run.

The first obstacle set the tone that this was NO game; crawling through mud on the ground with barbed wire above your head. They failed to mention all the rocks and concrete only an inch under the mud which hurt like a bitch and tore up my elbows and legs. I spent the next few minutes complaining about it. Rule #3 Tough Mudder: "I do not whine, Kids whine."

Another significant moment was an obstacle called the King of Swingers, where I had to jump in mid air from pretty high up, grab a trapeze type bar, swing on it to hit a bell (yeah right), and then plummet into the muddy water (12 feet deep). I hesitated at the top and then finally let go. I was surprised that I grabbed the bar (it looked so far away). But then as I started falling towards the water, I filled with terror and began to panic. I hit the water pretty hard and came up gasping for air (although I can swim - it made no sense). Once I got to dry land, I literally curled into a ball and my eyes filled with tears. I needed a minute to get my shit together....

The thing that surprised me the most was the sense of community and comradery among participants. Anytime we needed it, there was a helping hand without having to ask. No one was being judgmental or putting each other down. At one obstacle called the Liberator, I had to scale a wall using pegs. About 3/4 up the wall, I misjudged the distance of the peg when I went to place my foot. My foot missed and started to dangle and I struggled to hold myself up. All I could think that I was going to fall to the ground and break an arm or leg. Then all of a sudden, some woman pushed me from below, allowing me to place my foot on a higher peg so I wouldn't fall off the wall. An angel. 

Around mile 8 I thought I was going to die. I was completely exhausted, every muscle hurt, and I've never run that much distance before. I suggested we cut through and skip the last 2 miles, but we decided to persevere and finish it, skipping the last two obstacles instead.

As we crossed the finish line and enjoyed our victory beer, I was already scheming on when I could sign up for the next one! 

In other words, I'm hooked! 

Slow and steady wins the race?

With less than a month away from Tough Mudder, I thought I would be further along in progress. I underestimated the layers of the onion that needed to be peeled away. However, I am surprised and proud at some of the small improvements I HAVE made. I think step one was just being aware of the problem and making active choices to get on the right path. Dedication - I have that too. I haven't given up on my goals. This week I broke my mile run time at 12 minutes (used to be 15 minutes). I'm hoping to be able to run the mile consistently (through my asthma) without losing my pace. That's the next step.

I've also noticed muscle definition in my arms that I've never seen or felt before. It's not something that others can really see because it's not dramatic yet, but with any small changes in your body, you notice first of course.

Unfortunately, people look for the visual cues of progress. I had someone recently grab the fat under my arm and say something along the lines of "I thought you work out now". I'm sure the person did not realize the effects of their poor actions, but it's more common than you would think. You can't help but let things like that get to you - even if you tell yourself that you don't care what others think.

Maybe slow and steady wins the race after all? 

I have to admit, I was also wondering why I haven't lost any weight (now 5 months into exercising daily and eating better). I mean ZERO weight loss. I went to the doctor last week for a physical and she went through the normal health checklist. She couldn't figure it out either. The only thing that I'm truly still doing "wrong" is drinking alcohol. Maybe as I'm getting older, my body is processing and storing it in a different way? I would say I've cut the amount and frequency of alcohol by 75% since starting this endeavor. But for some reason this specific sugar / carb intake is just sticking to me.

My other theory, which I have no proof of, is that I'm genetically disposed to look this way. No one on either side of my family is particularly fit or healthy. Many have struggled with some serious weight and health problems throughout the years. It sounds like an excuse when I say that, but I think there might be some truth to this whole thing being "harder' for me than the average person. Not impossible, just harder.

My husband and I are leaving for a two week vacation in Italy and we plan to stay as active as possible. In the past, we tend to enjoy activities instead of vegging out while on vacation anyway. If anything, we should be even better at it now. Italy involves lots of walking and carrying heavy bags, which will be a natural way to keep moving. The food quality, although carby, is fresh and portion controlled. I never gained any weight in the two years I lived in Italy. We also plan to incorporate swimming and hiking into our plans. Instead of looking at this trip as a negative break from my routine, I'm seeing it as a positive way to reward my hard work and keep active in new and refreshing ways! 

Someone needs to lay off the beer.....but it's summer, and it's so good!!!

Keeping it moving

On the road to getting fit, it's very easy to get down and out on yourself for not doing enough, not being good enough, and making mistakes. My last post was super negative, which is fine, because that's how I was feeling at the time. Nothing of high value comes easy, and I do not doubt the amount of work, sacrifice, and time it will take me to achieve my goals. There will be things I need to say "no" to in order to say "yes" to the actions required to achieve my goals. That's just the nature of hard work. You can't have your cake and eat it too (no cake here though, cake is very carby)!

This got me thinking about my goals. I had defined some broad ones at the beginning of my journey, in my first post:

1. Find beauty in physical strength
2. Be in the best health possible
3. Actually feel 25 with my body
4. Improve perception of self, both inside and out
5. Explore what other areas are affected by these changes

But let's be honest - none of these are very concrete. Don't get me wrong, they're quite inspirational. But they are not a tangible way to measure progress.

I drew some inspiration from an old friend, actually one of the first people I ever really worked-out with when I was 14-15. He's an amazing example of setting goals, hard work, and dedication, and I am very proud of what he has accomplished. A recent article he wrote helped set me straight. He talks about how getting down on yourself for only giving 60% instead of 100% is not under-performing. It's something to expect time to time. This helped me understand that being hard on myself will not move progress forward, but probably get into my head and make me feel worse.

He also mentions writing down your goals and what you’re willing to lose to achieve them. It's something to reference when the going gets tough and to keep yourself in check if you become consumed by your goal.

This got me to brainstorming some measurable goals:

• Participating in the Tough Mudder on August 15th (possibly finishing?)
• Being able to run a mile unbroken by September 2015
• CrossFit: being able to deadlift 150 lbs and being able to successfully pull myself up on gymnast rings by the end of the year 
• Breaking a gender stereotype / shocking someone (this one is not as tangible, but when it happens, I'll know)

What I'm willing to give up to achieve these:

• Time: 1-2 hours a day
• Partying / Excessive Drinking
• Social events (within reason, when they prevent my work-out / healthy living)
• Extra sleep: getting up early when necessary, mostly a weekend thing
• Indulgence: extra servings, cravings, poor diet choices 

I'm ready to stay committed to these goals and continue this journey. But I wish I had something more to show for myself. I know I said weight wasn't important to me in the beginning (and it's still not), but I do not understand how someone goes from a sedentary lifestyle to exercising 6+ times a week over 4 months, and does not lose a single pound. It baffles me. Is my diet really that bad? I think I eat so much better than the average person. 

Mystery left to be solved...

(Enjoying vegetables and fruits from my local CSA crop-share!)

Setbacks

I write frustrated and disappointed in myself as the last two weeks have been filled with setbacks. I give due credit to professional athletes and those at a much higher skill level than me who work hard at their craft and keeping their bodies in prime condition. It's no joke, taking a lot of discipline and dedication, like any challenge in life.

A few different factors contributed to my setback. My allergies and asthma flared right after Memorial Day weekend from sleeping outside on a motorcycle trip in NY.There were just too many triggers around me, and my health suffered. It took nearly 3 weeks to get them back under control!

Another factor was falling into old bad habits - specifically drinking. It's no secret that I like to drink. I'm a big fan of craft beer, the culture, history...I just love everything about it. However large amounts of alcohol are not going to help me achieve good health. Having a beer or two (as it's a passion of mine) is acceptable, but having 3+ beers in a single sitting is not ok. Besides the nutritional harm (sugars and carbs), it makes me feel awful the next day, leading to a poor work-out.

My schedule became super hectic and busy, between trying to balance the grad course, my workload spiking, and trips to New York. Keeping to a committed exercise schedule took the backseat. I started to make excuses and exceptions for everything. Another issue when trying to commit to a healthy lifestyle is your social life. I also experienced a spike of catching up with friends and social commitments. This led to a lot of eating out at restaurants, drinking, and skipping work-outs.

In summary, my setbacks (and I'm sure for many others like me) were primarily due to:

• Sickness
• Bad Habits
• Temptation
• Busyness
• Excuses
• Exceptions

How do we tackle these issues and prevent them from consuming us? I'm not sure we fitness amateurs can. Unfortunately you cannot plan every aspect life - expect the unexpected. Surely the professionals manage to avoid these problems, but I do not know their secret. I would assume they say "No" to a lot of social things, and fitness is their job, so that also eliminates one potential distraction.

On a positive note, I really enjoyed two specific fitness activities this past week. On Friday, I attended a large CrossFit event with over 100 people doing the same WOD with a partner. It was like gym class all over again in finding a partner, scrambling not to be the last one picked. But alas - I was. Lucky for me the other person left standing was jacked! And very kind and willing to help me.
He was very experienced at CrossFit, and we split the workload about 70/30, coaching me through my technique the whole time. I most definitely brought his time down, but he didn't seem to care about competing.

On Sunday, I kayaked in the Charles River in Boston with a visiting friend. Upper body strength! It was sunny and beautiful out, and I only wish we could have done more than an hour. Exercise that is fun and doesn't feel like exercise is my favorite kind!

I have muscles!

The end of May brings long overdue sunshine to New England and apparently muscles. I'm starting to feel some firmness (aka muscles) in my biceps and the sides of my abdomen (not tummy in front though). This is a small victory, but makes me feel slightly better about all the effort I'm putting into this.

I also have an observation about my energy level. I just started taking a graduate class part time to further my career. At the first class last week, after working out, I was alert and active during the class (a rough time slot 6pm -10pm after a workday). At the second class this week, I missed my work-out beforehand and I was lethargic, tired, and couldn't pay attention in class.

At the same time, I had a setback earlier this week during a CrossFit WOD. It was heavy in cardio (assault bike) and I had an asthma attack during class. Besides being super embarrassing, it was scary to have no control of my airway closing. It was also difficult to communicate to others trying to push me the difference between being tired and out of breathe, to having an asthma attack. It was difficult for me to know the difference until it was happening! And that's why I kept pushing myself until it was too late.

Nonetheless - I can't let it get into my head too much. I knew this was going to be even more challenging for me than the average person. I gained some inspiration this past weekend from seeing two coaches compete in the CrossFit Northeast Regional, trying to qualifying for the actual national CF games. It was exciting to see athletes perform movements that I have been practicing, but at the professional level. They were so impressive! Especially the women who break those stereotypes I've mentioned before.

The next two months (June and July) will be focused on training for a Tough Mudder that my friend Ali and I are doing on my 26th birthday in August. To be honest, I don't think we'll be very successful. But that's not the point. We're going to try new things and be challenged. And most importantly, have fun. It also helps establish a clear goal and a way to measure progress along this journey.

Misconceptions

It's exactly 3 months since my official "journey" began!

I completed my On Ramp program for CrossFit! This means I can now participate in the real classes. I already went to my first one on Friday and it was great! It was obvious that I was new, but everyone was really helpful and encouraging. I've included links to images/videos in case you do not know what something means - and will continue to do so in future posts).

This was the work-out I completed:

• 6 minutes on an Assault Bike

Then as many rounds in 12 minutes:

•      15 Sumo Deadlift High Pull (just the barbell for me)
•      15 Box Jumps (20 inches)
•      15 Sit-ups

I completed 3 full rounds in the allotted time.

I want to talk about misconceptions. When I first began my new job as well as joined CrossFit, several different people said the same exact statements to me. I thought this pattern was interesting so I would like to probe them further. Especially since I believe that each of these statements are very flawed. It's our human nature to question/dismiss anything we do not understand. It's the cause of miscommunication and major struggles in our world. Not understanding (or at least trying to understand) can also be a form of discouragement / belittlement to those trying to achieve something.

When I first switched jobs, people told me:

"You're going to get so skinny!"
I in fact have not become "skinny," nor will I ever be because it's not my body shape or genetic makeup. I would have to go to the very extreme in order to ever have a skinny frame. Being skinny was never my goal. Of course I want to look better - but as I've explained before, this is not based on weight. Also being skinny does not mean you are healthy. Two examples include: "the fat skinny girl" - meaning the person who can eat whatever they want, not very active, and always has a skinny frame. I would not want to meet them at age 50 when it might catch up to them with health issues. And the second being those who struggle with eating disorders who may be physically skinny, but clearly do not feel healthy.


Specific comments on CrossFit:

"That's really dangerous for your body."
I used to think this way too, so I can understand where this thought stems from. However, it is completely false. Like anything in life - there are always extremes, and unfortunately, it's the extremes that you usually hear about in the news, social media, etc. Recent studies have clarified that CrossFit is no more or less dangerous / injury prone than other sports. It really depends on how smart and qualified your coach is, and having common sense when to stop or not doing something. I have had an excellent experience so far and have never felt unsafe. Pain - sure. Pushing to my breaking point - sure. But never unsafe. I've had coaches modify movements for me if I felt uncomfortable.

High intensity is what makes CrossFit effective. I can say with near certainty that the 15 minutes I spend doing these exercises are so much better for my overall fitness than spending an hour on a treadmill. They are movements we use in our every day lives - holding children, lifting a box, trying to reach something on the top shelf. Those are all dangerous if we're not taking care of our bodies.

Another thing I find backwards about the notion of danger - is it more or less dangerous than eating junk food, than sitting on the couch, than being obese, than Osteoporosis, heart disease, and diabetes? I have to believe that all those things are a lot more dangerous in the long run. It's all about risk. I can risk maybe (and that's a big maybe) of getting hurt exercising, or I can risk a most definite having health issues, aging poorly, and not be independent in my older age.

"Stay in your chair where you're sure to get hurt, and you'll become one of the 300,000 people that will die next year from sitting in their chair doing nothing."


"I hope you're not going to get big like a man."
This one particularly gets under my skin because of the societal norm of what Females are supposed to look like. This statement implies that women are supposed to be skinny, not muscular, fragile, doll-like...etc. There was a recent interview on 60 Mnutes with the CrossFit creator, and one thing he said really stood out to me. The journalist and him are looking at this beautifully built woman lifting weights, the journalist clearly confused at what she's seeing. He responds with:

"Look at her, she was meant to look like that. That's what nature would have carved from her a million years ago or she'd have been eaten."

Besides being funny - I found this to be so profound. We used to have to use our bodies to survive, to hunt, fight the elements. Through the centuries, the ideal human body, specifically the female one, has changed dramatically. Being overweight was idolized at one point for representing wealth and fertility - To the supermodel runway stick figure look of the 90s to present.

I believe it should be based on strength, potential, and balance. Being the best version your body can be.

I was at IKEA two weeks ago buying furniture without my husband. I needed to lift 3 large, heavy boxes into my Jeep, and I couldn't manage do it on my own. I pathetically had to look for a man to help me, gazing side to side desperately until I caught someone's eye who offered to help. What if no one walked by or no one was kind enough to offer? That would mean I can't even go shopping without a man's help. That is not acceptable for me. 

People saying "I hope you do not get big like a man" literally makes me want to become the most strong and muscular woman I can possibly be. So thanks for the motivation :-)

Constantly in Pain

As this journey continues, I can't help but think I'm at a disadvantage. Women tend to be physically weaker than men. I have no nicer way of saying that. I'm convinced that I'm even WEAKER than the average woman. Maybe it's genetics, maybe I wasn't physically active enough in my youth at some key development moment. I know I'm weaker. I also struggle because of my asthma and severe environmental allergies. I can't run much without having an asthma attack, and when my allergies flare throughout the day, focusing on any activity becomes difficult with sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes and skin.

Regardless of both "handicaps,” I persevere forward. My physical movement has centered around four primary activities: 

Biking: Stationary bike indoors, really as a filler for off days. I can read something at the same time with my hands free. It's not the best work-out as I barely break a sweat, but I think it's better than doing nothing those days. It's my only "alone" work-out time when I can think.

Body Jam: Next I've been dancing. Music, movement, group social setting...count me in! It's so much fun that I don't even feel like I'm exercising. It's clubbing without the alcohol. I also have no shame in dancing so I can truly be silly and express myself, even with strangers. My favorite part about Body Jam is that there's a lot of thought put into the choreography. It blows Zumba out of the water. The songs are mixed together by a DJ, and each movement repeats, builds, and links to the next to create a full dance routine. It's a lot more technical and mentally demanding. I always leave smiling!

CrossFit: For those who don't what CrossFit is....it's basically a series of intense, fast, and hard functional movements called a WOD (workout of the day) taught in a class setting. It's known for amazing results because it "gets right to the point". It's also known for being extremely difficult and pushing people very hard to their limits. I'm not doing it justice in this description, but that's the only way I know how to describe it.

Usually WODs are measured in either time, rounds, or until you drop. I've consistently been last in my class on all three counts (no worries, they're great supportive people). A WOD is led by a "coach" who trains you first to learn the movement to execute it safely and correctly to maximize the effect. All WODs can be scaled up or down based on the individual's level of fitness. By doing so, we're all competing on a level playing field because we're doing the hardest thing according to our ability. 

Walking: Now that the weather is nice, I've been walking after eating lunch at the office every day. When I have free time at home or on the weekends, walking is my go-to activity to keep myself moving. Whether it be walking to get somewhere instead of driving, or making walking part of the day's plans (ex. walking in Boston to shop instead of taking the T to get around). Walking has also been a good way to explore new areas, recover from an intense work-out earlier in the day, and sometimes spend time with my husband to catch up on the week's events.

You may ask - what about nutrition? I haven't specifically started following a new diet, but I've been consciously making smarter decisions when possible. Substituting for a healthier side at restaurants, overall less alcohol intake, increasing protein throughout the week (red meat, poultry, fish, always accompanied by a vegetable), decreasing unnecessary and unnatural carbs and sugar.

What's my overall progress after 2 solid months of these activities, at least 5x a week?

I'm more TIRED, less mentally sharp, and constantly in PAIN.

Find beauty in physical strength     

I gained 3 pounds and look horrible for swimsuit season

Be in the best health possible

I can barely walk to my car after CrossFit

Actually feel 25 with my body     

I found more gray hairs

Improve perception of self, both inside and out      

I'm the weakest in my class

Explore what other areas are affected by these changes     

My husband is not happy as I'm still struggling to find a balance

I'm not discouraged. I honestly think my body is so broken that it will take time to feel and look better. I guess when you're used to going 100 mph in one way, shifting that energy elsewhere can be just as challenging. I think two components will play a major role in getting over that hump:

CrossFit - if I'm in that much pain, it has to work. More to come on CF.

Diversifying diet - reducing more carbs and sugar, especially artificial ones

We joined a CSA starting in June (Community Supported Agriculture) and will have fresh produce delivered weekly. I'm going to start making juice and shakes to get more vitamins and honestly, to keep it interesting and fun. 

I read something interesting today which I'll close with:

"If you do the bare minimum, expect the bare minimum results. You want to be great, work to be great. Nothing just happens." 

- JJ Watt 
(American football defensive for the Houston Texans)

The Beginning

I decided to start writing again. The last time I truly wrote was my blog from my time abroad in Italy almost 3 years ago. While those posts were very colorful, full of adventure, and a younger innocence; this focus will be more directed. I find myself at 25, second job into my marketing career, married, family focused, and a new homeowner. Maybe not your typical 25 year old Millennial from the Northeast. But that's my reality.

Why did I decide to write again? Besides my constant need for creative self expression, I want to document a very important journey that began a few months ago. I'm calling it My Fitness Journey for now, but the name is a work in progress. My mission is to define fitness, health, age perception, and body image....for me. 

I find myself at a crossroads, a turning point with two paths ahead of me: status-quo and complacency OR an uphill battle to enrichment. The first one sounds easier. Why work any harder than I have to? I've spent my whole life striving to be on top, best grades, degrees, career, making money. Maybe it's time to enjoy? All those aspects of my personality were important to achieve what I thought I wanted, but have left me very empty inside. I feel completely disconnected with my body. I'm still defining what my body means - so don't take it so literal to mean my physical body quite yet. 

I have never thought I was beautiful, ever. At my lowest weight at age 14 when I lost 40 pounds over one summer before entering high school (113 pounds), to my average weight from age 20-25 of 140 pounds. Maybe on my wedding day for a moment- but then I look back through photos now and can pick out every flaw about myself. Of 10,000+ photos, I only liked maybe 2-3 of myself. 

My complaints stem from my my flabby arms, my awkward smile (I thought adult braces would help with that), my tummy that has always stuck out slightly past my body no matter how much weight I lose. One thing I've learned is that my highest moments of self confidence have also been happy or meaningful moments in life. I can make this more tangible by saying that my favorite photos of myself are candid, a real smile or laugh. Not posing. In those moments, I don't see the flaws. I think this speaks VOLUMES. Especially about what beauty and fitness mean. It's truly about MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. 

In the spring of 2014, after living a mostly sedentary lifestyle after college, working a grueling office job with consulting hours....I started to feel even worse about myself than ever before. I felt like a lazy, fat bum. Being exhausted from work every day, my favorite thing to do was drink or crash into TV and internet when I came home. My life for 3 years at my old job consisted of a mix of uppers and downers to get through a day. Red Bull was my best friend, and drinks to relax and get to sleep. Binge drinking was common, more so than in college. Hangovers became worse and worse, sometimes lasting 3 days as my body purely couldn't handle the abuse anymore.

I decided I needed to move my body. I started taking a basic Zumba class once a week to get the momentum going and doing cardio at the gym twice a week. I was consistent with it through the summer for about 6 months, until Q4 at work kicked in and I spiraled again. Work drama (which fueled family drama) created the most toxic environment. Then Nonna passed away on December 19th, 2014. It was a turning point. I knew I couldn't continue this lifestyle. 

I had to start at the root - cutting out the most toxic thing. Work. I quit my job. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'll never forget the feeling of handing over my laptop. I was trembling. It was not as liberating as I imagined it would be. It was nearly as stressful as the work itself. It was my life, and it was all I knew. 

A new chapter started as I began to work for a fitness company in February 2015. A new year, a new job, a new house. Lots of things changed in a very short amount of time.  The irony that I went to work for a fitness company just hit me recently, but at the time, I didn't make the connection. I sometimes wonder if it was a strange response from the universe, a gift from Nonna or above. 

The last few months at my new job have been a liberating journey (not just because of my job, but because of the trickle-down effects). It's like peeling layers of an onion off. I'm no where near "healed" yet, but I'm on the right path. 

So while the "beginning" might have been a year ago with some realization and attempts, my true beginning is now. I've been consistently working-out for 2 months now. "Results" TBD and for another post.

For now, what are my objectives?

1. Find beauty in physical strength
2. Be in the best health possible 
3. Actually feel 25 with my body
4. Improve perception of self, both inside and out 
5. Explore what other areas are affected by these changes

I close with saying this is not about getting skinny. With all my self confidence issues, surprisingly weight and size mean nothing to me. This is about getting back to my most primal, human state. Where machines did not do everything for us. To use physical work to achieve something measurable. To be self-sufficient. To be a strong woman. 

This is my MISSION.