Why did I decide to write again? Besides my constant need for creative self expression, I want to document a very important journey that began a few months ago. I'm calling it My Fitness Journey for now, but the name is a work in progress. My mission is to define fitness, health, age perception, and body image....for me.
I find myself at a crossroads, a turning point with two paths ahead of me: status-quo and complacency OR an uphill battle to enrichment. The first one sounds easier. Why work any harder than I have to? I've spent my whole life striving to be on top, best grades, degrees, career, making money. Maybe it's time to enjoy? All those aspects of my personality were important to achieve what I thought I wanted, but have left me very empty inside. I feel completely disconnected with my body. I'm still defining what my body means - so don't take it so literal to mean my physical body quite yet.
I have never thought I was beautiful, ever. At my lowest weight at age 14 when I lost 40 pounds over one summer before entering high school (113 pounds), to my average weight from age 20-25 of 140 pounds. Maybe on my wedding day for a moment- but then I look back through photos now and can pick out every flaw about myself. Of 10,000+ photos, I only liked maybe 2-3 of myself.
My complaints stem from my my flabby arms, my awkward smile (I thought adult braces would help with that), my tummy that has always stuck out slightly past my body no matter how much weight I lose. One thing I've learned is that my highest moments of self confidence have also been happy or meaningful moments in life. I can make this more tangible by saying that my favorite photos of myself are candid, a real smile or laugh. Not posing. In those moments, I don't see the flaws. I think this speaks VOLUMES. Especially about what beauty and fitness mean. It's truly about MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT.
In the spring of 2014, after living a mostly sedentary lifestyle after college, working a grueling office job with consulting hours....I started to feel even worse about myself than ever before. I felt like a lazy, fat bum. Being exhausted from work every day, my favorite thing to do was drink or crash into TV and internet when I came home. My life for 3 years at my old job consisted of a mix of uppers and downers to get through a day. Red Bull was my best friend, and drinks to relax and get to sleep. Binge drinking was common, more so than in college. Hangovers became worse and worse, sometimes lasting 3 days as my body purely couldn't handle the abuse anymore.
I decided I needed to move my body. I started taking a basic Zumba class once a week to get the momentum going and doing cardio at the gym twice a week. I was consistent with it through the summer for about 6 months, until Q4 at work kicked in and I spiraled again. Work drama (which fueled family drama) created the most toxic environment. Then Nonna passed away on December 19th, 2014. It was a turning point. I knew I couldn't continue this lifestyle.
I had to start at the root - cutting out the most toxic thing. Work. I quit my job. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'll never forget the feeling of handing over my laptop. I was trembling. It was not as liberating as I imagined it would be. It was nearly as stressful as the work itself. It was my life, and it was all I knew.
A new chapter started as I began to work for a fitness company in February 2015. A new year, a new job, a new house. Lots of things changed in a very short amount of time. The irony that I went to work for a fitness company just hit me recently, but at the time, I didn't make the connection. I sometimes wonder if it was a strange response from the universe, a gift from Nonna or above.
The last few months at my new job have been a liberating journey (not just because of my job, but because of the trickle-down effects). It's like peeling layers of an onion off. I'm no where near "healed" yet, but I'm on the right path.
So while the "beginning" might have been a year ago with some realization and attempts, my true beginning is now. I've been consistently working-out for 2 months now. "Results" TBD and for another post.
For now, what are my objectives?
- Find beauty in physical strength
- Be in the best health possible
- Actually feel 25 with my body
- Improve perception of self, both inside and out
- Explore what other areas are affected by these changes
I close with saying this is not about getting skinny. With all my self confidence issues, surprisingly weight and size mean nothing to me. This is about getting back to my most primal, human state. Where machines did not do everything for us. To use physical work to achieve something measurable. To be self-sufficient. To be a strong woman.
This is my MISSION.
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