Trust the training

This is never going to come easy for me, is it? About a month ago I was silly enough to write about injury prevention in order to tempt the universe and create an ironic opportunity for foreshadowing. In short - surprise surprise, I got hurt. Up until this point, everything had been going mostly as planned and frankly "great". Until I was out on my 18 mile long run. I was actually making really good time until around mile 12 I felt a familiar haunting twinge from my hip to my knee down the right side of my leg. The same twinge that debilitated me during Brooklyn 2022 and the same twinge that cost me the NYC Marathon 2022. My fucking IT band. 

The pain passed, I kept going, I thought I was ok. I was even able to pick up the pace again. At my next fueling stop around mile 15, I told my friend what happened as she handed me my gel and fluids. She rightfully seemed concerned, but I didn't have time to chat or linger. It was a quick stop under 60 seconds. 

The next few miles were painful. Soon after at mile 16 as I turned onto a new road, the familiar twinge turned into a sharp spasm down my leg. Like a rubber band snapping. Luckily I didn't fall down (see: severe ankle sprain, May 2022). But man did it hurt. At this point, my body was in fight or flight mode: I was panicking, I was reliving past trauma, my hands were getting clammy, my ears were ringing. It was a bad news bear situation.

I had two miles to go and there wasn't any way to shorten the pickup point to where my father-in-law was picking me up. And I was too stubborn and embarrassed to call him to change the spot (sorry Bob!) In order to keep the pain at a minimum, and God forbid another spasm, I stubbornly began running a few hundred feet, then walking, running, then walking. Until I completed the 18 miles.

The next day I received treatment and was told to rest. But I interpret rest as well as a toddler interprets the word "No". By day 2 post injury, I was already biking, running, biking. Until day 5 rolled around - suddenly I was much worse shape than the day I was first injured. The pain took over every aspect of my life. Walking was painful, sitting was painful, standing was painful. Even laying down was painful - it was throbbing. As well as the emotional and mental toll on my morale and overall well-being. This is when rest was no longer a voluntary option but now completely obligatory. 

I rested for 5 full days. Received further treatment. Put my supplement and nutrition regimen into overdrive to promote healing. Did lots of crazy voodoo things to promote anti-inflammatory action in my body. I targeted the IT band with a rolling stick, then with tennis balls. I used ice packs up and down my leg several times a day (which by the way, is the only thing that actually relieved any of the pain temporarily in the moment). 

I keep thinking about what factors caused this to happen. Amateur move - it seems like my sneakers were shot. I lost track of it. I was wearing 3 different pairs and rotating them, and I guess the pair I choose to wear for that long run had more mileage on them than I realized. Apparently my adrenaline glands are also working overtime. Not the first time this has come up in my life (though maybe not that specific wording or diagnosis). The whole fight or flight thing is my normal state of operating. And after a month of reflection, I think the biggest factor for how 'bad' went to 'real bad' so quickly can be attributed to my lack of actual and meaningful rest the days immediately following the first injury. It's really hard to tell someone like me to not do what they want (and what makes them happy) when they "think" they feel just fine. And I would be lying to myself and to you all if I didn't admit that caloric burn wasn't a top of mind stressor that pushed me to get back to exercise right away (e.g. fear of being obese). 

As this was all happening, I was falling behind in my marathon training. I missed my 19 mile long run. I stopped going to CrossFit. I also had the stress of two upcoming races looming. This part is difficult to explain to non-runners. Races are commitments. Just like game and tournaments are part of sports, races are the only way running is a "sport". Skipping them is not a decision to be taken lightly.

I had a low-stakes local 5K that I had signed up with my family a few months ago. We all had set goals. My brother was running, my sister-in-law, my nephew, Rob, Pietra, and even Gio. I had promised to make time for a local race (on top of all my city-based races) this year so that Pietra could run with me. She's too young to be allowed into NYRR races yet. In summary - I didn't want to let any of these people down. Or mess up these plans that were very difficult to get on the calendar in the first place. 

I was feeling better, but not great. The pain lingered. It was constantly there in the background. I told myself that I just needed to get through the 5K. I would run with Pietra, take it slow, even walk if I had to. Then...I got there and all bets went out the window. It was a crisp, sunny fall morning - perfect running weather. I scoped out the competitor - my chances were good, especially by gender. So I "took it easy" by placing first in my gender and age division. My toxic trait is collecting medals. 

Later that day, the pain came back with a vengeance. Back to icing, hydration, powders, pills, and voodoo. 

Now with that fuck up out of the way, I had to refocus my attention on the next hurdle ahead. Race #2 - the Staten Island Half. This one was not low-stakes. This is my 7th race of the 9+1 program to qualify for next year. There simply are no other races that I can run this year - it had to be this one. I had always planned on doing this one because the timing falls perfectly into most NYC marathon training plans. Most people are doing a "step back" week around early October after they tackled their 18-19 mile long run. It's funny to type that a Half Marathon is now low mileage - but it's true. Trust the training. 

My voodoo regimen (enjoying this term now) became extreme, but with sleep levels not ideal (and continuing to be lacking even today). 

I was now 2 1/2 weeks post injury taking the train into Manhattan to pick up my race bib. For the first time (ever!), the whole family came. I was moaning on the train, I was moaning as we walked around the city...if anyone had witnessed this, they had to think "there's no way this girl is running a half tomorrow." And then it gets better. As we were galavanting around my left big toe starting to hurt. It got worse and worse as the day went on. Upon inspection at the hotel, I discovered that the nail had lifted from the toe bed. It was also bruised. I'm not exactly sure how I got runners toe (again) if I had been laying off the running. Perhaps from all the city walking coming off so much rest. This was madness. Rob helped me tape the toe down to help reduce pain and get through the night. We taped it down pretty snuggly the next morning as well before the race. But I could feel a zing of pain with each step. It almost felt swollen as well, rubbing against the inside of my shoes making the whole situation worse. 

The next morning, with husband and two small kids in tow, we boarded the Staten Island ferry from downtown Manhattan before dawn. We got to see the sun rise over the Statue of Liberty together aboard the ferry - it was a moment. Between all the setbacks I experienced and then feeling the warmth of my family's support and presence nearby. 

What happened on those roads in Staten Island can only be described as a miracle. The adrenaline must have kicked in because I went out guns blazing. I ran a consistent and solid race. I had to slow down a hair towards the end because the pain started saying "hello old friend". It wasn't my best Half time, and it certainly wasn't a PR, but it wasn't terrible either (like it was supposed to be). 

I was expecting to have really damaged my body. The risk of injury was so high. The risk of losing the marathon again was so high. But somehow, I was OK. The pain did not come back stronger. It started to fade little by little. I've been wearing Birkenstocks (even in the cold!) for two weeks now, and my toe seems to have healed. Instead of just icing, I started feeling ok taking baths again - so I started incorporating salt, and hot/cold therapy. The hot was too painful the weeks prior.

I'm now about a month out from the original injury. I conquered a few battles and additional setbacks. And I seemed to have navigated some risky situations without worsening my situation greatly.

Now: a new decision was looming over me. Do I do one last long run before the marathon? Do I go back to the training plan and do my 20 miler? Do I just rest for a full month until the marathon? I had no data to know the right thing to do. And I was receiving conflicting advice. Any marathon runner will tell you the 20 mile run is important. When you ask them why...it's sort of a "Oh, you'll see why" response with a smirk. 

Spoiler alert: I did the 20 mile run (of course I did, did you think I was going to rest?) And now I know why it's important. I thought I was tired running 14 miles. I was wrong. I thought I was tired running 15 miles. I was definitely wrong. 16 - NOPE. 17 - NEGATIVE. 18 - HOW CUTE. 

I think I was hallucinating running 20 miles. It was 4 full hours of running with no breaks, no slow-downs - just constant pounding. The mental grit and physical drive required to cross that threshold is astounding (even if it's mentally driven...because really, how different is 19 from 20 miles). I came out of that run a different person. 

If I got through it and didn't get hurt again. The plan is to now taper and rest for the next 3 weeks pre-marathon. How are there only 3 weeks left?! I thought for sure these next few days were going to be brutal for pain...but they haven't. While I want to say none of this makes sense. It actually does. Trust the training. My recovery can only somewhat be credited to my proactive behaviors over the past month in order to expedite the healing process. But really, the foundation I've built this past year deserves so much more credit. The strength was always there, even if it got hurt. And once I let my body forgive itself, it went right back to being strong again. 

Local 5K Long Island with the family

Victory at the Staten Island Half

Critical Weeks of Preparation

With less than 7 weeks to go until the NYC Marathon, my heart is filled with excitement, anticipation, and definitely fear. It's hard to believe that with 7 weeks left, I only have 3 long runs left in my training plan (18, 19, and 20 milers). While the past 6 months have been important foundation building (heck the past 9 years!), the next few weeks are absolutely critical. 

But three more long runs doesn't just mean three more times I gear up, fuel up, lace my shoes, and set my alarm for 4am. It means I only have three more chances to "get it right". It's not just about putting in the mileage. It's much more complicated than that.

On the top of the "complicated list" is scheduling constraints. As the runs get longer, the time required out of my schedule becomes more demanding. Makes sense. But there are other components. I designed a 25 week training plan while others usually do 16-18 weeks. My plan incorporated more rest between long runs and more cross-training than most. This design was an effort to help prevent my reoccurring injuries from last year that halted my marathon pursuit. For most of my training up until this point, I was "ahead" of everyone else. When I saw people on Strava starting out at 4-6 miles, I was already running 13 coming off the Brooklyn Half at the end of May. And so on, and so forth, for the whole summer. But now the gap has narrowed (intentionally), and I no longer feel "ahead". Therefore, the stakes feel higher. Less room for error.

The other scheduling challenge I'm facing is that as these runs get longer, the recovery time (pre and post) also become more important. It's becoming increasingly difficult to make it to CrossFit, which I love, and has been a critical part of getting stronger and being a more well-rounded athlete. If I don't make it to a Monday class (for whatever life reason - kids, work, sick), my long run on Thursday is now in jeopardy. I would be too sore to do CrossFit a later day, any closer to Thursday. And at this point in the game, I have to prioritize running.

Next comes fueling concerns. I'm still trying to figure out how to adequately consume enough carbs, salt, and fluid of course, as to not run at a deficit. You do not run a marathon to burn calories. Essentially I need to be putting the calories back in that I'm burning from running (and then some!). I have dramatically been under-fueling throughout my training, but it didn't really hit me or matter until last week during my 17 mile run. I experienced what can only be described as metabolic shock a few hours after my run. Shaking, muscles, pounding headache hallucinating, completely unable to lift my head from the pillow. Scary stuff.

I think the thing most people don't realize (including myself) is the compounding effect when you're hitting that higher mileage. For a Half, you can kind of "wing" the fueling because before it matters, the race is over. For a marathon, you're already fueling for miles 0-6 an hour before your run begins. And 6-10 as your run actually starts. By the time you get to that Half point, you better have already consumed what you needed for 13+. This is all very new to me. 

While this has been important to me this whole time (re: 2022 disaster), I will be even more focused on injury prevention and reduced risk-taking. I know, sounds boring! But now more than ever, I need to make sure I don't aggravate my IT band, my hip, or my weak left ankle with anything deemed "unnecessary" or too risky. For example, I did not feel comfortable helping Rob place and remove the canoe on top of the Jeep this past weekend while we were camping. Too many opportunities for a misstep. 

And lastly, gear prep. What clothing and shoes am I going to wear on the big day? Will my layers be right for the unknown fall temperatures? Will my clothing hold everything in place? Will there be any chafing? Will be shoes be stable and handle any pronation? So much to think about! Luckily I think I have most the hard parts decided - Panache underwire sports bra (for bigger women, hehe), Reebok high-waisted compression shorts, trusted Flipbelt around my waist, Feetures high-cushion socks, Saucony running shoes. But what I haven't quite figured out is my shirt. I prefer to run in just a sports bra, but that won't work for my bib placement which needs to be visible at all times. I'm trying to figure out the right crop tank that almost feels like I'm not wearing a shirt at all. Not too tight, not too loose. It's nothing I currently own. So I need try a few shirts on the next few weeks to figure out this final piece of the outfit.

In addition to the long runs, I luckily (and intentionally) have an upcoming race, before the marathon, to test out some of these theories - the Staten Island Half on October 8. There, I will practice getting on the Staten Island ferry and making my way to the same area the marathon begins. I can test out some final fueling strategies. And really, I think wear the same exact outfit I plan on wearing on the actual big day.

As I mentally and logistically begin preparing for this week's 18 miler, it's beginning to sink in that the marathon will likely be the biggest accomplishment of my life. More than my college degrees, more than getting married, more than buying a house, more than having children. I'm sure that will get some eyebrow raises, but hear me out.

This is truly the one thing that has been extremely difficult for me to succeed at. It does not come natural to me. I do not have an athletic foundation or background. My genetics are constantly working against me. My weight dictated what spaces I was "allowed" to simply exist in and god-forbid, thrive. My asthma, eczema, and allergies are always crippling me. My postpartum issues shattered my self-esteem and make my body difficult to move in the ways that I want. And my gender objectifies my body, devalues my worth, and determines how much harassment on the road I "deserve" every single time I step out of the house.

A high-school gym teacher told me once that I would never run a mile. Kids laughed at me. I was very close to not passing gym that year until I made my way around that dreaded track four times to complete the mile, walking of course. 

In just a few short weeks, I'm about to run A LOT more than four times around a track. 

Early morning running views - Great South Bay

The cutest pit stop help - Bellport NY

The Countdown + Vacation Exercise

The Countdown 

There's approximately 14 weeks until the NYC Marathon (November 5) and I am well into training. As planned, I maintained my long run through June after coming off the Brooklyn Half. And then I started climbing again when July began. My long runs will continue to climb each week, but like I mentioned before, I've built in a "stepback week" between every long-run to allow for more rest. It's a very elongated training schedule, but I believe (and hope) it will work better for me after my various injuries last year. The traditional plans are usually 18 weeks and I'm doing 25 weeks total. 

Before we left for the Dominican Republic, I completed an amazing 13 miler from Patchogue to Port Jefferson. I felt strong and kept a great pace. I was even able to pick up speed towards the end. I did an extra tenth of a mile for good measure so I could be snarky and say that I ran a Half :-) It felt very bizarre to wake up on a random Thursday in my home and run a Half marathon outside of the context of a proper race. With little prep or adrenaline typically provided through a "real" event.

Another surreal thought is the fact that I will now essentially be setting a new PR distance every week until November. This week's upcoming 14 miler will be a PR. Then 15 miler - new for me. Then 16 miles...so on and so forth. 

And then doubt begins to creep in. When will this feel impossible? When will I hit an unmovable wall? When will I get hurt again? The mental component of running is real and huge. Yes, of course physical training is important. But the mental training and conditioning that's simultaneously happening should not be underestimated. As well as having the self-awareness to know that the feelings of doubt and fear are also normal and part of the process. Acknowledge them - and then tell them to "shut up" as you push forward. "Silenzio Bruno!

Vacation Exercise 

While in the Dominican Republic, we got up early each day to exercise at the hotel gym. It felt good to make that a priority and set the right tone for the day ahead. Drinking, eating, and lounging didn't feel "so bad" after putting the work in. And it gave us energy to do more fun activities throughout the day. It was nice to do it together with Rob - something we rarely do at home since we need to "take turns" in order to cover other responsibilities like the kids and house stuff, while the other person works out.

Have you ever thought "man this treadmill must be broken!". I always think that when I run indoors at home because I'm SO much slower on the treadmill. But the opposite happened on this trip! Because it was all short runs, and I was coming off so much distance running the last few weeks, I was much faster than my "outdoor pace". I felt good, bouncy, and it was easy to hustle through it...or maybe that treadmill was broken too :-)

Taste of Success

If you read my blog this time last year, it was a very different tone. It was pain, defeat, and disappointment. I described what I called a movie scene. Like a gunshot to my leg when I went down running in the last mile of the Brooklyn Half.

This year's Brooklyn Half can also be described as a movie scene. But this time, with a happy, hero, triumphant ending. I couldn't have been more prepared physically and mentally. But still, emotions were a bit shaky with some super high expectations I was placing on myself. And of course, the fear of re-injury. I almost closed my eyes between miles 11-12 so I didn't have to see "the spot" where it happened!  

BUT: nevertheless, she persisted. This year I took Brooklyn by storm. Literally. I ran a strong and consistent race. I was well within my goal pace range. And then around mile 10, I noticed the pacer to my left (the professional that holds a sign who's job it is to run a consistent pace for reference to others). I'm usually in my own little world and don't pay attention to them. But this time I happened to look at the finish time on her sign, and it was better than my Half PR time from 2017. I had to make a decision in that moment. Do I hold my pace? Or do I push to try to set a new PR? I thought about it for a minute or two after I had already passed the pacer. 

Here's where the movie scene comes into play. The sky got really dark and the clouds opened up, letting out what can only be described as buckets of water. You couldn't see one yard in front of you. Eyes were stinging as the sweat from your hair and face now rolled into your eyes. It seems like everyone picked up the pace to finish - so I went for it! I bolted! I also knew I could expect to see Rob and friends when making the last turn from Ocean Parkway onto Surf Ave once at Coney Island. Even more motivation to get there faster. 

I set a new PR (barely, but still a PR!) of 2:12:18. And immediately enjoyed a beer and hot dog once I got out of the very wet finish corral and reunited with the group. 

Accomplishment is an addicting feeling. Less than 24 hrs later, I was a little sore but nothing crazy. Trust the training - it works. My only "injury" was some bruised toes which annoyingly lasted over a week. My guess is once I was running through puddles, my feet were sloshing around my shoes a bunch. 

I didn't have too much time to dwell on my toes though...because less than a week after Brooklyn, I had MURPH at CrossFit. What is Murph? I've done it many years before, but quick refresher for ya'll. 

1 mile Run
300 squats
200 push-ups
100 pull-ups (I do ring-rows on gymnastic rings instead!)
1 mile Run

It's a standard CrossFit "Hero" WOD and likely the most popular worldwide. Thousands of people across the world all do Murph on the same weekend (Memorial Day weekend in the US). Funny enough I had been doing it in Boston for years without realizing that Lieutenant Michael Murph himself was from Patchogue NY, where I live now. Really strange coincidence. Now I notice his name on building and signs everywhere in his memory. 

Last year I had to skip Murph...well, see above: injury coming off the Brooklyn Half. Loss of NYC marathon entry. Sad shell of a person. 

This year my time was 63:05. I was super impressed with my running (DUH). That definitely felt like the best movement versus years past. Even the last run after being super fatigued. It was not my best Murph time overall, but it was a really consistent workout for me. I felt really good the whole time and was happy with my overall strategy to tackle the massive number of reps.

So what's next? MARATHON TRAINING! It's already begun! Actually it never stopped. I decided to maintain a base of 8 miles as my long run coming off Brooklyn for the past 4 weeks. That means, once  a week, I can go out and run 8 miles with no issue. This week was actually my first week of "climbing" with an increase of mileage to 9 miles. I will continue to climb until mid-October where my last long run will be 20 miles, followed by a 2 week taper / rest period before the big day.

My training plan is very detailed and robust, but generally looks something like this:

4 miles
CrossFit
3 miles
REST
10 miles (+1 mile each week)
REST
Cycle / Bike

I'm paying attention to rest more than I ever have before. Sometimes the day after the long run instead of REST, I will incorporate a light Cycle/Bike to help stretch and move, but nothing crazy. I also have some "drop" weeks built into my plan where I don't increase the long run, and actually drop down. This is another form of rest for me. And it allows for "mistakes" like being sick or something personally happening where I need to give myself some grace to get through a tough or unusual period. I'm hoping this design allows me to feel less pressure to perform when the going gets "too" tough. And reduces my chances of injury. 

If you want to help with my marathon training - I'm always looking for folks to leave water outside their front door for me (LOL). No seriously, it's like a fun little game to have the goal to run to and helps me carry less stuff while running.

Have a great summer everyone! Stay active. Be healthy. Drink margaritas. 

Varied Movement + Varied Diet

I've been around friends and family over the years who want to lose weight. For decades, I was always hearing about the latest diet programs. Some are recognizable brands that are now household names (Atkins, Slim Fast, Special K, Weight Watchers, etc.) Involving things like counting points, restrictions, measuring food, and the latest - "intermittent fasting". Then there are the exercise crazes as well. The latest class, club or gym that you must join. I've had a bunch in my day ranging from Tao Bo kicking boxing VHS tapes, Zumba dancing, to present day CrossFit. I've seen people experience some pretty significant weight-loss (including myself), but there's one thing I've witnessed even more - FAILURE. Most people put the weight back on and then some. 

Why does this happen so often? There's nothing inherently "wrong" with any of these methods. But there's one thing all these programs have in common. They're not sustainable. And they don't create reasonable standards towards living a normal, healthy, active life. Rob and I were arguing about this recently. His point was that sometimes people need "rules" (e.g. a program or diet) to jumpstart their weight loss at first. While I can understand that, the failure rate just seems so high to me, that it makes me wonder if that's the wrong approach from the get-go. 

I'm a strong believer that in order to crack the code to live a healthy life, you need to work on your mentality before your physical body. One follows the other. And one is a more powerful tool to reach your long-term goals - which should be good health, happiness, and preventing disease. Not a beach perfect body. Not a pre-pregnancy body. And not some unrealistic ideal that doesn't match your genetic makeup.

It's actually really simple, but requires a ton of patience. I mean A LOT of patience. Possibly years before you see any results. But how many years are wasted trying unsustainable things and failing?

The secret is confidence. And confidence comes from self-love. 

So how do we achieve this? Easy. A lack of childhood trauma, lots of privilege, therapy and drugs :-) Revised for real people: How do I start to tap into self-love? And how do I work on suppressing moments of self doubt, and even worse, self hate. 

It's reaching a point where healthy behaviors are so engrained into your brain that you don't even need to think about it. In a way, it's tricking your brain to be happy. When you can reach a point where you're not worried about numbers and weight, but rather how you feel. 

This is achieved through a simple formula:

Varied movement + Varied diet
With a dash of moderation

I'm not re-writing the book here. Nor am I a doctor or scientist. I'm just providing a layer of my own perspective. I'm not promising you'll be thin, but you'll be happy. 

Varied movement

Find something you really enjoy. Running, cycling, swimming, a specific class. Maybe it's just starting with walking first. Now do that thing a few times a week. If you enjoy it, it should be something you make time for and look forward to. Now fill in the gaps with other activities. Maybe you're lacking a day that gets you out of breath (cardio) or a day that builds strength (like weightlifting). Maybe it's flexibility with something like yoga. 

Keep moving - every day move your body in some way. It's never all or nothing. If your day blows up and you only have 10 minutes to exercise, do 10 minutes. 

Once you get used to these habits (which by the way, can take years), not exercising feels like not eating. You feel sick. You feel awful. It becomes just as natural as planning to eat a meal or showering each day. FYI - it probably took me about 5 years to reach this point. It doesn't come easy or quick, but it does last a lifetime. 

Varied diet

Strive to incorporate a variety of protein, fat, and carbohydrates into your meals. Aim to have less carbohydrates (and sugar) when possible. Aim to have more green vegetables when possible. Seek fresh, local, and organic options when possible. You don't have to break the bank to achieve this. Pick one thing in your fridge to swap out - start small, but start somewhere. Join a CSA at your local farm!

Don't have specific rules or restrictions, but use common sense. If you already had fries this week, maybe sub for a salad the next time around. If you know you're going to have pizza tonight, plan for a healthier lunch. 

To jumpstart a weight loss journey, there ARE simple behavior changes to more quickly reduce your caloric intake without having to do much tracking or worrying. 

• No soda - opt for flavored seltzer instead
• Reduce or eliminate sugars and dairy in coffee
• Reduce or eliminate fast food (if you currently get Taco Bell twice a week, start by reducing it down to once a week)
• Eat a large salad with protein BEFORE you plan to have a carb dish like pasta - it could help reduce your hunger and the need to binge on carbs
• Plan for snacks throughout the day - sometimes it's about eating more good things, instead of just eating less overall
• Reduce alcohol intake - I know, I know. This one kills me too. But I've always found it helpful to think about drinking for quality instead of quantity. Only drink things you really enjoy. Don't drink to get a buzz, drink to enjoy it. As well as avoiding sugary drinks with lots of additives. 
• Swap for whole or multi grain options instead of refined grains
• Look for ways to reduce sugar in the items you're already eating. This is a big one - and sort of sweeping across categories. The perfect personal example I have is yogurt. I've always been a yogurt fan! But I had no idea that most yogurts were practically like eating a dessert. I made the switch to plain Greek yogurt and never looked back. I still add stuff into it, but I can control the amount. It still can taste like a treat, but at a fraction of the calories than the store bought stuff.

I want to be clear that I'm not mocking or judging anyone who's currently pursuing a specific diet. But rather speaking to my experience that if you have to think of it as "a diet", and you find yourself failing often, it might be worth being more patient with yourself and trying a more gentle, self-love focused approach. Through varied movement + varied diet. 

I'm not 100% there yet either. There are moments when I think I got it...but in the end, doubt tends to find a way of creeping in. And I'm really hard on myself. I'm especially hard on myself about my postpartum body. I had two babies. The more weight I lose, the more pronounced my postpartum belly becomes. Without surgery, I'm never going to have a flat belly. I'm not knocking surgery, but for me personally, it feels like it's diminishing my worth as a woman to appeal to a modern societal norm. Good looking women have flat bellies. It would have been better to live in the Renaissance period because those women were thick :-) Do I hide my insecurities and supposed faults? Or do I learn to accept them, dare I say, even embrace them. Am I allowed to wear crop tops because they make me happy, or do I need to wear a baggy sweater in order to not make others uncomfortable about my fat?

Running Updates!!!

Since the last time I wrote, I wrapped up my 9+1 in December with an amazing Ted Corbitt 15K. It was raining pretty hard, but somehow, I took about ten minutes off my expected finish time. I guess I wanted to get out of the rain! With an official time of 1:35:49. But 9 seconds slower than last year (damn puddles!) But I did learn one very valuable lesson about being uncomfortable after a race. For the first time, our hotel was not near Central Park. I ran way too fast, I was wet, and then eventually cold and shivering. It took over an hour to get to back to a warm hotel. It was painful and an awful way to end such a great race experience.

This made me switch my November marathon hotel from being next to the Staten Island ferry in Battery Park in lower Manhattan, to much closer to the finish line near Central Park. 

Upcoming - I'm running Washington Heights Salsa, Blues and Shamrocks 5K again in March (love that course and that neighborhood's energy and music!). And luckily, my application was just accepted to run the Brooklyn Half again this May. As a reminder - that's where I hurt myself badly last year. And had to therefore, pull out of the NYC marathon. 

So many things to look forward to in 2023 and feeling great! 

P.S. I wrote this whole blog post eating cheesecake on the train on the way to Boston :-) 
P.S.S. I will continue to wear crop tops, FUCK OFF :-)