Hidden Disability

When I was pregnant, people gave me sympathy about my condition. People asked if I was tired, if I needed help, opened doors, carried things, and generally took it easy on me. It usually annoyed me because I thought I was superwoman while pregnant. Overall I had a smooth pregnancy. Being young was to my advantage as I was able to bounce back quickly, even on those rough days. My "disability" was obvious. A known fact the first few months of pregnancy, quickly becoming visually obvious as well (check out that whale).

Now at 19 weeks postpartum (Pietra is a little over 4 months old), my "disability" is much worse than before. But it is no longer obvious. A broken body and fragile mind is masked with some makeup and a smile. I'm more tired than ever before, but I receive praise for doing it all - "how does she do it?" It feels like a chainsaw went through my body, but I'm expected to operate at 100 mph (an expectation mostly put forth on myself). Now is when I need the most help, but most of it has faded away. 

A hidden disability can be difficult to cope with (it makes me think of those with invisible diseases such as Lupus, some cancers, and mental illness). 

When it comes to my fitness thus-far, I've accomplished great things. I've very proud that I've run races and have started to regain my strength. But I find myself struggling to communicate what I CAN and CANNOT do....because of my situation. My body is not done healing. My body is wrecked. I'm exhausted. My joints feel like jello. My hormone levels are up and down. And I'm still bleeding because of all of the above.

It feels like I need to be more careful now more than ever to prevent injury. But it's hard to explain to someone why I can't run faster, lift more, do more reps, because to the eye, I should be able to do what I did before. I'm slacking. 

When I went to do my first sit-up in October, my mind said GO but my body stayed limp. I tried again to crunch my tummy, lift my head off the floor, and touch my hands to my feet. But I physically could not move. My abdominal wall was weak. I felt paralyzed. 

Let's talk about some positives though. I'm down to my starting weight (150 lbs). I am still wearing maternity clothes (in fact I bought more! I may never wear real pants again - they're just too comfy). I'm eating normal (not indulging or depriving). I'm always hungry (luckily breastfeeding lets me consume an extra 500-800 calories per day). Of course I only consume healthy calories (slowly hides chocolate out of reader's sight...)

Now one month later, I did 100 sit-ups effortlessly during a CrossFit WOD. I can also start to lift heavy shit again (including a 14 lb baby whale). But my disability is still hidden and challenging every day. 

60 lb split jerk