I have muscles!

The end of May brings long overdue sunshine to New England and apparently muscles. I'm starting to feel some firmness (aka muscles) in my biceps and the sides of my abdomen (not tummy in front though). This is a small victory, but makes me feel slightly better about all the effort I'm putting into this.

I also have an observation about my energy level. I just started taking a graduate class part time to further my career. At the first class last week, after working out, I was alert and active during the class (a rough time slot 6pm -10pm after a workday). At the second class this week, I missed my work-out beforehand and I was lethargic, tired, and couldn't pay attention in class.

At the same time, I had a setback earlier this week during a CrossFit WOD. It was heavy in cardio (assault bike) and I had an asthma attack during class. Besides being super embarrassing, it was scary to have no control of my airway closing. It was also difficult to communicate to others trying to push me the difference between being tired and out of breathe, to having an asthma attack. It was difficult for me to know the difference until it was happening! And that's why I kept pushing myself until it was too late.

Nonetheless - I can't let it get into my head too much. I knew this was going to be even more challenging for me than the average person. I gained some inspiration this past weekend from seeing two coaches compete in the CrossFit Northeast Regional, trying to qualifying for the actual national CF games. It was exciting to see athletes perform movements that I have been practicing, but at the professional level. They were so impressive! Especially the women who break those stereotypes I've mentioned before.

The next two months (June and July) will be focused on training for a Tough Mudder that my friend Ali and I are doing on my 26th birthday in August. To be honest, I don't think we'll be very successful. But that's not the point. We're going to try new things and be challenged. And most importantly, have fun. It also helps establish a clear goal and a way to measure progress along this journey.

Misconceptions

It's exactly 3 months since my official "journey" began!

I completed my On Ramp program for CrossFit! This means I can now participate in the real classes. I already went to my first one on Friday and it was great! It was obvious that I was new, but everyone was really helpful and encouraging. I've included links to images/videos in case you do not know what something means - and will continue to do so in future posts).

This was the work-out I completed:

• 6 minutes on an Assault Bike

Then as many rounds in 12 minutes:

•      15 Sumo Deadlift High Pull (just the barbell for me)
•      15 Box Jumps (20 inches)
•      15 Sit-ups

I completed 3 full rounds in the allotted time.

I want to talk about misconceptions. When I first began my new job as well as joined CrossFit, several different people said the same exact statements to me. I thought this pattern was interesting so I would like to probe them further. Especially since I believe that each of these statements are very flawed. It's our human nature to question/dismiss anything we do not understand. It's the cause of miscommunication and major struggles in our world. Not understanding (or at least trying to understand) can also be a form of discouragement / belittlement to those trying to achieve something.

When I first switched jobs, people told me:

"You're going to get so skinny!"
I in fact have not become "skinny," nor will I ever be because it's not my body shape or genetic makeup. I would have to go to the very extreme in order to ever have a skinny frame. Being skinny was never my goal. Of course I want to look better - but as I've explained before, this is not based on weight. Also being skinny does not mean you are healthy. Two examples include: "the fat skinny girl" - meaning the person who can eat whatever they want, not very active, and always has a skinny frame. I would not want to meet them at age 50 when it might catch up to them with health issues. And the second being those who struggle with eating disorders who may be physically skinny, but clearly do not feel healthy.


Specific comments on CrossFit:

"That's really dangerous for your body."
I used to think this way too, so I can understand where this thought stems from. However, it is completely false. Like anything in life - there are always extremes, and unfortunately, it's the extremes that you usually hear about in the news, social media, etc. Recent studies have clarified that CrossFit is no more or less dangerous / injury prone than other sports. It really depends on how smart and qualified your coach is, and having common sense when to stop or not doing something. I have had an excellent experience so far and have never felt unsafe. Pain - sure. Pushing to my breaking point - sure. But never unsafe. I've had coaches modify movements for me if I felt uncomfortable.

High intensity is what makes CrossFit effective. I can say with near certainty that the 15 minutes I spend doing these exercises are so much better for my overall fitness than spending an hour on a treadmill. They are movements we use in our every day lives - holding children, lifting a box, trying to reach something on the top shelf. Those are all dangerous if we're not taking care of our bodies.

Another thing I find backwards about the notion of danger - is it more or less dangerous than eating junk food, than sitting on the couch, than being obese, than Osteoporosis, heart disease, and diabetes? I have to believe that all those things are a lot more dangerous in the long run. It's all about risk. I can risk maybe (and that's a big maybe) of getting hurt exercising, or I can risk a most definite having health issues, aging poorly, and not be independent in my older age.

"Stay in your chair where you're sure to get hurt, and you'll become one of the 300,000 people that will die next year from sitting in their chair doing nothing."


"I hope you're not going to get big like a man."
This one particularly gets under my skin because of the societal norm of what Females are supposed to look like. This statement implies that women are supposed to be skinny, not muscular, fragile, doll-like...etc. There was a recent interview on 60 Mnutes with the CrossFit creator, and one thing he said really stood out to me. The journalist and him are looking at this beautifully built woman lifting weights, the journalist clearly confused at what she's seeing. He responds with:

"Look at her, she was meant to look like that. That's what nature would have carved from her a million years ago or she'd have been eaten."

Besides being funny - I found this to be so profound. We used to have to use our bodies to survive, to hunt, fight the elements. Through the centuries, the ideal human body, specifically the female one, has changed dramatically. Being overweight was idolized at one point for representing wealth and fertility - To the supermodel runway stick figure look of the 90s to present.

I believe it should be based on strength, potential, and balance. Being the best version your body can be.

I was at IKEA two weeks ago buying furniture without my husband. I needed to lift 3 large, heavy boxes into my Jeep, and I couldn't manage do it on my own. I pathetically had to look for a man to help me, gazing side to side desperately until I caught someone's eye who offered to help. What if no one walked by or no one was kind enough to offer? That would mean I can't even go shopping without a man's help. That is not acceptable for me. 

People saying "I hope you do not get big like a man" literally makes me want to become the most strong and muscular woman I can possibly be. So thanks for the motivation :-)

Constantly in Pain

As this journey continues, I can't help but think I'm at a disadvantage. Women tend to be physically weaker than men. I have no nicer way of saying that. I'm convinced that I'm even WEAKER than the average woman. Maybe it's genetics, maybe I wasn't physically active enough in my youth at some key development moment. I know I'm weaker. I also struggle because of my asthma and severe environmental allergies. I can't run much without having an asthma attack, and when my allergies flare throughout the day, focusing on any activity becomes difficult with sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes and skin.

Regardless of both "handicaps,” I persevere forward. My physical movement has centered around four primary activities: 

Biking: Stationary bike indoors, really as a filler for off days. I can read something at the same time with my hands free. It's not the best work-out as I barely break a sweat, but I think it's better than doing nothing those days. It's my only "alone" work-out time when I can think.

Body Jam: Next I've been dancing. Music, movement, group social setting...count me in! It's so much fun that I don't even feel like I'm exercising. It's clubbing without the alcohol. I also have no shame in dancing so I can truly be silly and express myself, even with strangers. My favorite part about Body Jam is that there's a lot of thought put into the choreography. It blows Zumba out of the water. The songs are mixed together by a DJ, and each movement repeats, builds, and links to the next to create a full dance routine. It's a lot more technical and mentally demanding. I always leave smiling!

CrossFit: For those who don't what CrossFit is....it's basically a series of intense, fast, and hard functional movements called a WOD (workout of the day) taught in a class setting. It's known for amazing results because it "gets right to the point". It's also known for being extremely difficult and pushing people very hard to their limits. I'm not doing it justice in this description, but that's the only way I know how to describe it.

Usually WODs are measured in either time, rounds, or until you drop. I've consistently been last in my class on all three counts (no worries, they're great supportive people). A WOD is led by a "coach" who trains you first to learn the movement to execute it safely and correctly to maximize the effect. All WODs can be scaled up or down based on the individual's level of fitness. By doing so, we're all competing on a level playing field because we're doing the hardest thing according to our ability. 

Walking: Now that the weather is nice, I've been walking after eating lunch at the office every day. When I have free time at home or on the weekends, walking is my go-to activity to keep myself moving. Whether it be walking to get somewhere instead of driving, or making walking part of the day's plans (ex. walking in Boston to shop instead of taking the T to get around). Walking has also been a good way to explore new areas, recover from an intense work-out earlier in the day, and sometimes spend time with my husband to catch up on the week's events.

You may ask - what about nutrition? I haven't specifically started following a new diet, but I've been consciously making smarter decisions when possible. Substituting for a healthier side at restaurants, overall less alcohol intake, increasing protein throughout the week (red meat, poultry, fish, always accompanied by a vegetable), decreasing unnecessary and unnatural carbs and sugar.

What's my overall progress after 2 solid months of these activities, at least 5x a week?

I'm more TIRED, less mentally sharp, and constantly in PAIN.

Find beauty in physical strength     

I gained 3 pounds and look horrible for swimsuit season

Be in the best health possible

I can barely walk to my car after CrossFit

Actually feel 25 with my body     

I found more gray hairs

Improve perception of self, both inside and out      

I'm the weakest in my class

Explore what other areas are affected by these changes     

My husband is not happy as I'm still struggling to find a balance

I'm not discouraged. I honestly think my body is so broken that it will take time to feel and look better. I guess when you're used to going 100 mph in one way, shifting that energy elsewhere can be just as challenging. I think two components will play a major role in getting over that hump:

CrossFit - if I'm in that much pain, it has to work. More to come on CF.

Diversifying diet - reducing more carbs and sugar, especially artificial ones

We joined a CSA starting in June (Community Supported Agriculture) and will have fresh produce delivered weekly. I'm going to start making juice and shakes to get more vitamins and honestly, to keep it interesting and fun. 

I read something interesting today which I'll close with:

"If you do the bare minimum, expect the bare minimum results. You want to be great, work to be great. Nothing just happens." 

- JJ Watt 
(American football defensive for the Houston Texans)

The Beginning

I decided to start writing again. The last time I truly wrote was my blog from my time abroad in Italy almost 3 years ago. While those posts were very colorful, full of adventure, and a younger innocence; this focus will be more directed. I find myself at 25, second job into my marketing career, married, family focused, and a new homeowner. Maybe not your typical 25 year old Millennial from the Northeast. But that's my reality.

Why did I decide to write again? Besides my constant need for creative self expression, I want to document a very important journey that began a few months ago. I'm calling it My Fitness Journey for now, but the name is a work in progress. My mission is to define fitness, health, age perception, and body image....for me. 

I find myself at a crossroads, a turning point with two paths ahead of me: status-quo and complacency OR an uphill battle to enrichment. The first one sounds easier. Why work any harder than I have to? I've spent my whole life striving to be on top, best grades, degrees, career, making money. Maybe it's time to enjoy? All those aspects of my personality were important to achieve what I thought I wanted, but have left me very empty inside. I feel completely disconnected with my body. I'm still defining what my body means - so don't take it so literal to mean my physical body quite yet. 

I have never thought I was beautiful, ever. At my lowest weight at age 14 when I lost 40 pounds over one summer before entering high school (113 pounds), to my average weight from age 20-25 of 140 pounds. Maybe on my wedding day for a moment- but then I look back through photos now and can pick out every flaw about myself. Of 10,000+ photos, I only liked maybe 2-3 of myself. 

My complaints stem from my my flabby arms, my awkward smile (I thought adult braces would help with that), my tummy that has always stuck out slightly past my body no matter how much weight I lose. One thing I've learned is that my highest moments of self confidence have also been happy or meaningful moments in life. I can make this more tangible by saying that my favorite photos of myself are candid, a real smile or laugh. Not posing. In those moments, I don't see the flaws. I think this speaks VOLUMES. Especially about what beauty and fitness mean. It's truly about MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. 

In the spring of 2014, after living a mostly sedentary lifestyle after college, working a grueling office job with consulting hours....I started to feel even worse about myself than ever before. I felt like a lazy, fat bum. Being exhausted from work every day, my favorite thing to do was drink or crash into TV and internet when I came home. My life for 3 years at my old job consisted of a mix of uppers and downers to get through a day. Red Bull was my best friend, and drinks to relax and get to sleep. Binge drinking was common, more so than in college. Hangovers became worse and worse, sometimes lasting 3 days as my body purely couldn't handle the abuse anymore.

I decided I needed to move my body. I started taking a basic Zumba class once a week to get the momentum going and doing cardio at the gym twice a week. I was consistent with it through the summer for about 6 months, until Q4 at work kicked in and I spiraled again. Work drama (which fueled family drama) created the most toxic environment. Then Nonna passed away on December 19th, 2014. It was a turning point. I knew I couldn't continue this lifestyle. 

I had to start at the root - cutting out the most toxic thing. Work. I quit my job. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'll never forget the feeling of handing over my laptop. I was trembling. It was not as liberating as I imagined it would be. It was nearly as stressful as the work itself. It was my life, and it was all I knew. 

A new chapter started as I began to work for a fitness company in February 2015. A new year, a new job, a new house. Lots of things changed in a very short amount of time.  The irony that I went to work for a fitness company just hit me recently, but at the time, I didn't make the connection. I sometimes wonder if it was a strange response from the universe, a gift from Nonna or above. 

The last few months at my new job have been a liberating journey (not just because of my job, but because of the trickle-down effects). It's like peeling layers of an onion off. I'm no where near "healed" yet, but I'm on the right path. 

So while the "beginning" might have been a year ago with some realization and attempts, my true beginning is now. I've been consistently working-out for 2 months now. "Results" TBD and for another post.

For now, what are my objectives?

1. Find beauty in physical strength
2. Be in the best health possible 
3. Actually feel 25 with my body
4. Improve perception of self, both inside and out 
5. Explore what other areas are affected by these changes

I close with saying this is not about getting skinny. With all my self confidence issues, surprisingly weight and size mean nothing to me. This is about getting back to my most primal, human state. Where machines did not do everything for us. To use physical work to achieve something measurable. To be self-sufficient. To be a strong woman. 

This is my MISSION.