I wrestled writing this post 3 years ago. And I'm wrestling with it now again. I had hoped that things would have changed the second time around, in the future. Maybe I missed a class, a conversation, a page in the book. It was my fault that I didn't know. Then today I saw an Instagram post from super model Ashley Graham with the caption "no one told me that both me AND my newborn would be wearing a diaper". Even at the super model level, nobody told her. I thought surely with my second child it would be easier. While knowledge was power, it certainly was not easier.
I'm talking about the postpartum period. After a woman gives birth. And is no longer a vessel of life that we worship and shower with gifts. Why is this a taboo topic? Why in 2020, there is little education or preparation on perhaps the most scary thing a woman can experience. Even more so than childbirth itself.
Doctors certainly do not tell women. Women do not tell other women. Do we forget? Don't want to talk about it?
I don't think my peers even know what the term postpartum means, so how can we possibly begin to have a conversation about it. They ask how I'm doing and I mention "you know, going through postpartum stuff" and they assume "oh you're depressed?" Postpartum is the period after giving birth, about a 12 month period. Postpartum is a period of time, depression is a symptom.
And it's just as much about your body as it is your mind.
But we're starting to talk about it now (finally).
An ad was recently banned from the Oscars from Frida company showing a mom in pain to help market and promote their postpartum care products.
The most raw I've ever heard it discussed in mainstream media is when comedian Ali Wong jokes about it in her Netflix special "Hard Knock Wife". Some of her mom friends told her "winter is coming" (Game of Thrones reference?).
Blood. Lots of blood. Like an organ exploded.
This was different for me after each pregnancy. With my first birth, I bled for 5 months. This including wearing adult diapers, special underwear, and heavy pads. I had to carry a change of clothes when going out in public just in case. For context, I was back at work at 3 months to the day and was still dealing with this. This also included an ER visit because I was losing so much blood that I felt sick. With my second birth, this only lasted 3 weeks.
Ice is your friend.
The first few weeks after birth are very painful, especially if you needed stitches. Most women use ice packs in their underwear. As well as an antibiotic ointment to prevent infection as your constantly changing "dressings" of gauze, pads, ice packs, etc.
Pooping/Peeing
It hurts. A lot. They won't let you leave the hospital until you poop at least once. It feels like giving birth again because you're essentially reopening the wound. And the urine burns every time. You cannot take a bath or wipe with toilet paper until the bleeding stops, so you have to use a sitz bath (container that goes around the toilet bowl to soak) and spray bottle after every bathroom use (imagine leaving the house needing all these items). Some women have hemorrhoids the last trimester of pregnancy through the first few months postpartum. The typical treatment is witch hazel pads which also go in your underwear. With the pads. And the ice.
Uterus Ouch.
After birth, your uterus needs to contract back to its original size (think basketball back to golf ball). So you have cramps similar to birthing contractions every day until it's "done". Once it's contracted, there's a general loss of abdominal wall structure. I've mentioned this part before in past fitness posts. Think "ability to hold your core" or like do a sit-up. In addition to this muscle, your other muscles and joints are generally weakened. Again, different for each birth experience in terms of which activities I was able to get back to first and excel at (running vs. CrossFit).
Crazy Hormones
The hormone shifts postpartum are unreal. They are necessary to cause all the physical things to take place (similar to when your body knows it's pregnant, it now needs to tell your body that you're not pregnant). Sometimes this leads to night sweats waking up completely soaked in a puddle of your own sweat. Of course these shifts take a mental toll on your stability and general happiness as well.
This is especially pronounced when...
Breastfeeding
In past November we spent 2 nights away from the baby for NYC marathon weekend. I was crying in Port Authority (no, hysterical) because of a crazy hormone shift I was experiencing. And I was overdo for pumping.
In the beginning during the newborn stage, you are essentially feeding your baby every hour (at a minimum). Sometimes every 15 minutes. Breastfeeding is a full-time commitment and pumping equates to the hours of a part-time job. In an effort to quantify it, I tracked for a few weeks. At a conservative estimate, it's about 20 hours a week worth of pumping time. Once I went back to work at 12 weeks postpartum, I needed to maintain a pumping schedule of every 2-3 hours. Even in the middle of the night (typically the baby is up nursing all night anyway).
When you don't pump on time, two things happen: your supply disappears because it signals to your body that milk is not needed (which means your baby will be hungry). This is the worst feeling in the world. Secondly, your breasts become engorged which feels like migraines or sharp stabbing pain in your breasts. Sometimes it hurts so bad I get actual migraines, nauseous, and dizzy. This happens to me a few times a week (still) when a meeting runs late, there's extra traffic, etc.
If you don't keep up your pumping/nursing schedule, you're also at the risk of clogged ducts (self-explanatory) or Mastitis (an infection). Both are extremely common (at least once) for all women and are extremely painful.
Pumping and Breastfeeding are not worse or better than each other. They're just different evils and experiences. For me personally, the 50/50 split has been the most beneficial of not losing my mind within either. When I'm traveling for work and exclusively pumping while away from baby, I noticed my nipples are more sore because having just a machine do it is a lot on the body. The baby interaction is important to continue to stimulate milk production.
Can I get a wig?
This is a new symptom for me that I did not experience with my first child! At around 3 months, my hair started falling out. Not like a few strands, but baseball size clumps every day. I'm now 6 months postpartum and it's still falling out at a rapid rate. People have noticed and ask me why my hair is looking patchy and thin these days. I've been keeping my hair in a permanent bun as it's the only way to keep the problem contained and hidden. My scalp also hurts and is tender to the touch. Apparently it's normal and I just got lucky my first time around.
You can sleep when you're dead.
Lack of sleep. This one feels self explanatory, but no one can prepare you for the first 100 dark days. The sleep deprivation is so real that you begin to hallucinate. There's also something cruel and systemic about just falling into a sleep stage to be woken up in a startling way (cue: baby cry). Over and over again.
Feeling Blue.
Finally, the symptom everyone thinks about (while ignoring all of the above). I've been fortunate enough to not have any postpartum depression, so I will not try to speak to it. My experience has been more around high anxiety and panic. Being in a constant stage of fight or flight. It gets so intense sometimes that I freeze in a stressful situation and it feels like my brain has short-circuited. Every thing around me is happening in slow motion and I cannot form words with my mouth or actions with my body. I've had to hand the baby over to Rob when this is about to happen (I can think of 2-3 times specifically). But as recent as three weeks ago.
Baby Got Back.
I think this is where I've spent the most time in my previous more fitness related posts around my fitness journey, weight gain and loss, and exercise goals. Not a secret that you gain weight during pregnancy (shocking!) and need to lose it after. I gained 45 lbs with my first pregnancy and 30 lbs with my second.
My tummy is currently flabby AF with stretch marks. Based on my genetics, those are likely not going away. I'm now below my pre-pregnancy weight at 147 (yay!). But my clothing size still reflect a larger frame where I was more of a size 8/10 before my pregnancy and currently closer to a 10/12.
Who am I?
When you become a parent, your identity changes. This is a beautiful thing. When you become a mother, it's a bit more pronounced because of all of the above physical aspects in addition to sharing your life with a new human (which the other partner feels and experiences with you). I think part of the reason we don't talk about the postpartum experience is because there is a general lack of empathy for the well-being of women when they're not bearing children. This amplifies the loss of sense of self and identity. And is ripe breeding grounds for body image issues to flourish.
You are second place. Sometimes even third or fourth depending on family size and dynamics. Using the bathroom, showering, eating, and drinking water. All of that gets put on the back burner for hours. I know it sounds dumb, but in the foggy haze of this period, even basic functions become difficult tasks because of time, stress, and sometimes the ability to connect the dots. You know how during the pre-flight safety video they always say to "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others"? That should be everyone's postpartum motto. But it's not. And you can't breathe.
So whats the big deal? Now what?
Some of you may have read this and said "DUH, nothing I didn't already know". And some of you may be thinking "TMI, didn't need to know that". I can tell you when I speak to my peers, nobody knows any of this. I don't understand if that's just part of the natural cycle of life and to "let it be". It's not like I should run up to pregnant women and scare them with information! Or are women doing each other a disservice by perpetuating the cycle? In addition, there is definitely more that I have not personally experienced to be able to write about.
Alright, alright. Enough of that.
Some exciting stuff in my future with a big shift towards running in March when Half marathon training begins for Gloucester on June 7. I will also begin my 9+1 race sequence in NYC to qualify for the 2021 marathon which needs to be completed by December 31. More to come on that soon!
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| 6 months postpartum! |
