Summer is for running

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate running? For starters, I'm terrible at it. Sure I've improved. A little more distance, a little faster. But some people go from couch to marathon in a few months. Here I am 2 years later barely hitting 4 miles at a 10 minute pace.

It makes my asthma flare up. The feeling of your lungs closing is no fun. 

And to be quite honest, I don't look good doing it. Sort of like a wobbly penguin. I swear the boobs throw my balance off.

So why do I run?

I enjoy feeling the sun beating down on my skin. Hearing my own breath. Feeling the beat of my music in sync with my step. Because you can run anywhere at anytime. All you need is your shoes (well, and a sports bra for me). And well, because running is hard for me. So I keep doing it.

The summer in New England is for running. 
The outdoor season is short, and I choose to cherish it.

I've definitely been incorporating more running into my summer routine, sometimes opting out of my other group activities in order to hit the pavement on my own. 

In early June I got another 5k under my belt in Boston. It was hard to navigate the large crowds and I purposely didn't wear a tracker, but I was proud I ran at a consistent pace. No stops.

I've also been striving for once a week lake runs (4 miles). The pretty scenery helps keep me motivated.

In San Francisco, I was fooled into a 4 mile hilly run through the city with friends. They are evil tall people who made me run 9 minute miles with their long lanky legs. 

My big event is coming up! Tough Mudder Long Island on July 22nd. 

12 miles, 20 obstacles. As of now, I have a team of four. Though running is not the focus, it's definitely a personal goal to get through the course quicker than two years ago. 

Fingers crossed for a sunny day and a great experience. 

Tears & Sweat

Long Island Marathon - 5k - My new record time: 29:14
w/ husband and cousins

This past February marked two years into my “fitness journey”. At least the point when I consciously realized I was on a journey. That something was happening. That something needed to happen. I haven’t written in a few months. Not because there was nothing to say. Because I’ve been in survival mode and writing took a backseat.

I have something to say now. Let’s talk about my progress.

• February 2015: 140 lbs, sedentary lifestyle, unhealthy, couldn’t run a mile.
  
• September 2015: 150 lbs (muscle, toned, better fit clothing), super active 6x times a week, CrossFit, Dance, Running 5ks.
  
• November 2015 – July 2016:  Baby on the way! It was difficult in the beginning to change the way I work-out, but then I gained this superhero strength in the second and third trimester. The most active I’ve ever been in my life (go figure). And good nutrition! (minus the ice cream cravings). Total weight gain +45 lbs (195 lbs).
  
• July 2016 – November 2016: The baby whale arrives! I get right back into fitness.  Mostly running outdoors. Breastfeeding helps me lose weight and feel better overall. Slow and steady progress.
  
• December 2016 – March 2017: Feeling pretty down and hard on myself. I lost all the baby weight (back to 145 lbs). But my body is completely changed. I feel weak and tired. My pre-pregnancy clothes still don’t fit (and they may never fit again). My busy life makes it hard to prioritize working out.

So where I am today? I had a breakthrough. I cried. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact day, but it happened more than once. During CrossFit and during Running. Yes, crying was my breakthrough.

I did something I didn’t think I could do. More weight on the bar, one more rep, one more loop around the building. I did something I shouldn’t be able to do. Tears streamed down my face. I choked up. A combination of exhaustion and exhilaration.

Tears and sweat.

My body may never be the same again. But I’ll sure as hell be faster and stronger.

Confessions

Confession. I'm still wearing maternity pants. And I'm not sure when I'll stop. All I know is my old pants don't fit me (and it's not a matter of buying the next size up, it's a matter of shape). My hips seem to have widened. Those pants may never fit me again.

Not to worry though! They are super comfy.

Finding the time to work-out has been really hard. I'm physically and mentally exhausted from being a new mom (judgy moms insert "I told you so" comment here). I often have to choose between a valuable hour of sleep, getting my work done, vital chores, or taking care of my daughter...all which come before exercise (though lifting my daughter should count for something...she's getting heavy!)

Confession. I failed.

When I first got back to fitness postpartum, I thought my goal was quantity. Do as much as possible. Everyday. Got to lose that weight. Numbers, numbers.

I couldn't do it. And that's OK.

My new strategy is consistency and frankly, NO goals. I'm trying to exercise about three times a week. And letting myself have off days...because well life gets hard. I just want to feel strong and happy again. The exercise high.

Confession. I have no idea what I'm doing.

While down to my pre-pregnancy weight, I have extra rolls and wider hips. So I'm going to focus on my strength building (or rebuilding). That's what's going to get me through the next few months in this shell of a body I used to know.

So what have I been up to since the holidays have come and gone? Mostly CrossFit, dance, and the occasional run. You won't find me at the gym doing any sort of mundane routine.

I PR'ed  my deadlift at 130lbs. One of the goals I had set when starting this blog was 150lbs. Almost there.

Hidden Disability

When I was pregnant, people gave me sympathy about my condition. People asked if I was tired, if I needed help, opened doors, carried things, and generally took it easy on me. It usually annoyed me because I thought I was superwoman while pregnant. Overall I had a smooth pregnancy. Being young was to my advantage as I was able to bounce back quickly, even on those rough days. My "disability" was obvious. A known fact the first few months of pregnancy, quickly becoming visually obvious as well (check out that whale).

Now at 19 weeks postpartum (Pietra is a little over 4 months old), my "disability" is much worse than before. But it is no longer obvious. A broken body and fragile mind is masked with some makeup and a smile. I'm more tired than ever before, but I receive praise for doing it all - "how does she do it?" It feels like a chainsaw went through my body, but I'm expected to operate at 100 mph (an expectation mostly put forth on myself). Now is when I need the most help, but most of it has faded away. 

A hidden disability can be difficult to cope with (it makes me think of those with invisible diseases such as Lupus, some cancers, and mental illness). 

When it comes to my fitness thus-far, I've accomplished great things. I've very proud that I've run races and have started to regain my strength. But I find myself struggling to communicate what I CAN and CANNOT do....because of my situation. My body is not done healing. My body is wrecked. I'm exhausted. My joints feel like jello. My hormone levels are up and down. And I'm still bleeding because of all of the above.

It feels like I need to be more careful now more than ever to prevent injury. But it's hard to explain to someone why I can't run faster, lift more, do more reps, because to the eye, I should be able to do what I did before. I'm slacking. 

When I went to do my first sit-up in October, my mind said GO but my body stayed limp. I tried again to crunch my tummy, lift my head off the floor, and touch my hands to my feet. But I physically could not move. My abdominal wall was weak. I felt paralyzed. 

Let's talk about some positives though. I'm down to my starting weight (150 lbs). I am still wearing maternity clothes (in fact I bought more! I may never wear real pants again - they're just too comfy). I'm eating normal (not indulging or depriving). I'm always hungry (luckily breastfeeding lets me consume an extra 500-800 calories per day). Of course I only consume healthy calories (slowly hides chocolate out of reader's sight...)

Now one month later, I did 100 sit-ups effortlessly during a CrossFit WOD. I can also start to lift heavy shit again (including a 14 lb baby whale). But my disability is still hidden and challenging every day. 

60 lb split jerk

Post Trauma

Now 12 weeks postpartum, I find myself more tired, anxious, and out of shape than when I was 9 months pregnant. I seriously had more energy 9 months pregnant! I was running, dancing, and doing CrossFit...at 9 months pregnant. But now, 45lbs lighter....those things seem really difficult (again).

While breastfeeding has helped me lose the baby weight really fast, I by NO means have my pre-pregnancy body back. Sure, it feels good to be "lighter", but my clothes still do not fit and my once round, "purposely fat", beautiful belly is now nothing but flab, stretch marks, and extra skin.

The exhaustion is obviously driven by taking care of the tiny human, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, and managing a family / household. Work and career have not been factored in yet. 

There's good news and bad news.

First the good news. I accomplished my running goal. I was able to complete the 5k race on September 24 (9 weeks postpartum)!!! My time was 34:48, about ~3 minutes slower than last year. However, I felt that I ran more confidently and held a steadier pace than last year.  It felt amazing to pass other people, feel the breeze on my face, the sunlight on my skin, and the sweat on my body. I am so excited to work on upping my mileage to a 10k at the next opportunity. 

Now the bad news. I went to CrossFit last week (baby free opportunity arose) and it went pretty bad. I was offered to scale the WOD and I was cocky and refused. Half way through, I couldn't lift the bar anymore (just the bar, no weights). I had to switch to a weightless PVC pipe since the movements alone were hard enough for me. My muscles and joints felt like jello. It was awful.

I was reading up on how your postpartum body can be weaker than your pregnancy body...and many of my symptoms align. When you're pregnant, your body is preparing for war. After birth, your body has just gone through trauma. Then, all your resources are put towards milk production and taking care of the baby. Nothing else.

I also had another setback. I wasn't sure I was going to share this, but why censor now. Fun fact: you bleed a lot after giving birth (in case you didn't know. I didn't know). Like you basically have to wear an adult diaper (Depends are awesome). I stopped at 3 weeks which is really good! And my doctor said I was all healed physically.

At about 8 weeks, I experienced a sudden and severe return. It was so bad I ended up in the hospital ER because I did not understand what was happening and the amount of blood loss scared me. It crossed my mind that maybe I damaged something from exercising too soon (I didn't). Or a blood vessel had burst. Or stitches reopened. Or an organ exploded. 12 hours later and many tests, all major things had been ruled out. They think that a surge of hormones caused it (wait - you continue to be hormonal after pregnancy). Super.

Long story short, I'm fine. But genetics must really hate me. 
This definitely made me feel weaker physically and discouraged mentally.

As obvious as it sounds, my focus will need to be on nutrition to regain strength and exercise with a focus on toning. I'm back at work this coming week (ahhhh! too soon!) which should make both of those easier by providing structure and discipline. 

Wish me luck. 

Finishing the 5k!

My biggest fan - Little P

The Best Diet

The baby whale has arrived and I'm officially no longer pregnant! Wooo! Everything is back to normal with my body and life now.  I've also become delusional from lack of sleep and a crying newborn (who I adore). UPDATE: the nickname baby whale has changed to Little P.

Rob and I welcomed our daughter, Pietra Josephine Capizzio into the world on July 21st, 2016 at 7:07 PM. Weighing a tiny 5lbs 15oz and 19 inches long.

It was a scary and stressful day as nothing went according to our birth plan (apparently this is common....then why do they tell you to make a plan!?). I was at the doctor office that morning for my routine 39 week check-up. They found that my blood pressure was high and protein present in my urine. They admitted me to the hospital for further testing (meanwhile I felt absolutely fine, and was CrossFitting the night before). The hospital decided I was showing signs of early Preeclampsia and needed to be induced medically to deliver the baby that day. I was devastated (strong word for someone who is fine and had a beautiful healthy baby...but that's how it felt at the time).

1. About 95% of my birth plan went out the window (natural child birth, no epidural, staying active and mobile during delivery, natural methods of pain management....etc).

2. It meant that my family, friends, and birth coaches could not be there in time (SPOILER ALERT: many of them actually made it for different parts of labor).

3. I was frustrated because (at the time)  it felt like I did something wrong. That all my preparation, staying active and healthy was for nothing...if I was going to have the same issues as someone who did nothing.

In order to focus on fitness, I won't go into the long story of my delivery here (though a humorous story). The one thing that stood out to point out (fitness related) was my pushing phase was short (only 30 minutes) and I had many nurses and the OB doctor comment that they were surprised how strong I was after suffering for hours in pain. I tore a little when pushing because they didn't expect me to push so fast and so hard (as they were verbally coaching me through it). While many things that day seem like a blur, I remember that vividly as it felt like some affirmation that maybe it wasn't all for nothing. Somewhere underneath the anxiety, the weight gain, the failures....I was a stronger person because of it (both physically and mentally).

Back to fitness! Hopefully these posts become less about my pregnancy (sick of baby talk yet?!) and more about my recovery and new goals for 2017.

PAIN: Labor aside, the pain after delivery wasn't as bad as anticipated. I mostly felt very tired, bruised, and sore ....similar to an intense work-out, but throughout my whole body (especially my lower body). I also attribute my quick recovery to staying active.

WEIGHT:  At 39 weeks pregnant (full-term), my last weigh-in the day I delivered was 195 lbs. I gained a total of 45 lbs during my pregnancy. I had not gained any weight the last 3 weeks of being pregnant (I believe that means both Little P and I were "done" with the game). 

BREASTFEEDING: Is simply the best diet known to mankind. Whatever your beliefs are about the whole "Breast is Best" campaign, you should breastfeed if you are simply a vain person who wants to lose weight! After 3 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding, I'm down to 163 lbs, only 13 lbs from my pre-pregnancy starting weight. I'm burning calories like crazy simply feeding the tiny human.

Does that mean I have my body back? No, of course not. I have a lot of toning to do (extra skin, fun) and I'm still wearing maternity clothes because they're just easier right now (think nursing boob access). But man does it feel good to have the extra weight off!

EXERCISE: I started exercising immediately (DISCLAIMER: follow the advice of your medical professional), though the typical suggestion is to wait 6 weeks. For me personally, that felt ridiculous. I also got approval from my OB given how active I was before and during pregnancy.

I started walking in the hospital up and down the halls (thanks to my husband who held my hand, literally...and pushed me to do it, figuratively).

I continued walking and pushing her stroller around our neighborhood, stores, parks, my office, her Daddy's office....for all of week 1 and 2.

The end of week 3 - I decided it was time to run! I've run twice, one mile each (13 minutes, 12:30 minutes). Both which were faster than my pre-fitness times in 2015. WINNING. My training for either a 5k or 10k (September 25th - week 9) has officially begun.

Little P is an eating machine! Helping me burn calories.

Dare You To Move

At 37 weeks with roughly 3 weeks to go (unless the baby whale wants to make an early appearance), this title has dual meaning for me.

Dare You to Move.

A song title of course, but also how I've been striving to live my life these past 9 months (hell - the past 18 months). And how I choose to welcome my child into the world. 

I hope that my motivation continues into parenthood as I work to get back into shape post delivery, and to simply be a healthy and active mom. I don't think the baby will care how I look in a bikini! But it will care that I can chase it around the yard. In return,  I challenge my child and my husband to stay active with me, as a family. Very different than perhaps the examples we had / have around us. 

While my final weeks of symptoms have increased, my activity level has surprisingly been reasonable. My feet are very swollen (which sucks - sneakers don't really fit). The only thing that helps the swelling go down is exercise (probably blood flow), but then it returns fairly quickly. I've had "fake" contractions every other day which are sort of like sharp pains in your lower abdomen. Sometimes they make me stop in my tracks, while other times it's more of an annoyance. I've also experienced lots of baby movement (kicks) and shifts in weight (like the baby rolling over side to side) which I can visually see and feel (weird). Lastly - pressure on my pelvic floor has caused pain and discomfort (as the baby gets more into delivery position). It feels like you have to pee/poop but you actually do not. 

For exercise, I've been boogy-ing at dance class (even learned a new routine which I'm hoping to perfect in my last few weeks!). Though spinning /turning is off limits now because my center of gravity is so crazy with the belly. I don't want to fall and hurt myself and the baby.

CrossFit has been going great! I've introduced short running into my work-outs (which makes absolutely no sense....but for some reason, I can run again). I find that running short distances is particularly helpful when the baby is pushing down on my pelvic floor - to relieve that pressure. 
Overall the weights I'm lifting have continued to decrease, but my stamina has stayed the same (totally reasonable). 

In the photo above, I'm doing Power Cleans with  65 lbs. That was an awesome day mentally and physically.

The Fourth of July was challenging both culturally and socially without being able to drink. It's so common to have a drink during music festivals, BBQs, meeting up with old friends (same as Christmas time). It was really frustrating to be left out. Especially since I enjoy the taste/experience so much (no shame).
*Note to self:  plan the next pregnancy NOT during summer months. 

Hoping to post simple updates through this blog from the hospital when D-Day arrives.
Stay tuned for details!

37 weeks - about to go for a short run #whalerunning

36 weeks   #babywhale

Healthy food from my CSA delivery